Best Picture

By not nominating “Carol” for this category, the Oscars are essentially yelling “no homo.” Instead of nominating a movie about the complex relationship between two women, let’s nominate “Bridge of Spies,” a movie about communism, or “The Big Short,” which is maybe about the stock market. If anything can be more “bro-y,” please inform me. You can find me on AOL Instant Messenger or Google Chat.

Best Actor in a Leading Role

In “The Revenant,” Leonardo reversed-birthed a decapitated horse, meaning he gutted it and climbed inside of it like an infant in the womb. If that doesn’t scream “Oscar” I really don’t know what does.

Best Actress in a Leading Role

Brie Larson in “Room” took my heart and then shoved it where the sun doesn’t shine. I felt physically weak from my emotions. Also, Charlotte Rampling said the uproar over the lack of Oscar diversity is “racist to white people,” so I’m going to go ahead and choose anyone but her.

Actor In a Supporting Role

Tom Hardy made me lose myself in his character in “The Revenant,” meaning I still wanted to marry him even though he is racist and also a murderer. These traits are merely superficial; the love we share can overcome his densely innate horribleness.

Actress in a Supporting Role

Look at Rachel McAdams. She went from “Mean Girls” to “The Notebook” to the Academy Awards. I just feel so proud of her. Can we talk about her audition for the Notebook? That alone deserves an Oscar.

Animated Feature Film

“Inside Out” perfectly captures the mind of an 11-year-old girl, which I can relate to because I have the mind of an 11-year-old girl.

Best Director

This will be hard. How do I choose from these five men who are nominated in a category that, in all 88 years, only one woman has won? I choose Albie Sher.

Best Picture

Hands down, “Spotlight.” It keeps the audience on the edge of its seat the entire movie, not to mention the perfectly casted actors.

Actor in a Leading Role

It’d be pretty dumb for anyone to say this isn’t Leonardo DiCaprio’s year, because every sign is pointing in his favor.

Actress in a Leading Role

Despite my love for Jennifer Lawrence, I think Brie Larson not only deserves the award this year, but will no doubt take home the Oscar. Her portrayal of a mom trapped in the one room in “Room” brings tears to your eyes and makes you reconsider Lawrence as your favorite Oscar nominee.

Actor in a Supporting Role

This year, deserving nominees pack this category, but I’d love for Sylvester Stallone to win this award. Though recreating the legendary Rocky Balboa in “Creed,” he provides a new and mature version of Balboa, which makes him hard to ignore as the obvious choice.

Actress in a Supporting Role

Rooney Mara, along with the rest of the nominees, make this category an extremely difficult one this year. But, despite the difficult choices, Alicia Vikander in “The Danish Girl” adds a fresh and intriguing face to the Oscar screen this year.

Animated Feature Film 

“Inside Out,” without a shadow of a doubt.

Best Director

Alejandro Iñárritu will easily take home this Oscar for “The Revenant.” Despite the superb acting, the cinematography and direction Iñárritu provides easily overshadows it, making it a perfect film to win this category.