Movies

Best motion picture – Drama

I’m going to be honest, I don’t know much about these nominated movies, other than what I’ve heard from eavesdropping. I’m going to choose Room because I read the book while on a plane ride sitting next to a foreign exchange student and I cried an embarrassing amount of times. Actually, I’m not embarrassed. Six. It was six times.

Best motion picture – Comedy or Musical

I have no class so obviously I’m going to choose Trainwreck. Amy Schumer is like your obscene aunt who says really gross things at family gatherings and you love it.

Best Actor and Actress in a motion picture – Drama

Judging by most attractiveness, Eddie Redmayne takes the cake for Best Actor. This may seem like a controversial pick, with Redmayne beating out classic hotties like Will Smith and Leonardo DiCaprio, but Redmayne has a polite disposition that makes me feel like he would be nice to my grandmother.

For Best Actress, I’m going to choose Cate Blanchett because she looks like an elf queen. Let’s just say I wouldn’t be surprised if she has a complicated history with Legolas.

Best Actor and Actress in a motion picture – Comedy

Matt Damon is the clear winner of this category. Although Steve Carell and Mark Ruffalo have the whole ‘silver fox’ thing going for them, Matt Damon is a real scooby snack.

Amy Schumer and Jennifer Lawrence tie for Best Actress. How can one choose between them? I just really want to be friends with them and eat tacos together.

TV

Best TV Series – Drama

Among these nominated shows, I’ve only ever heard of Empire and Games of Thrones. Since I’m not a nerd, I choose Empire.

Best TV Series – Comedy or Musical

Obviously I’m going to choose Orange is the New Black. Come on, keep up.

Best Actor and Actress in a TV Series – Drama

Two words: Rami Malek. Keep in mind, this was a tough category. The race was really between Jon Hamm and Malek (King Ahkmenrah in Night At the Museum, anyone?). While Hamm looks more traditionally attractive, Rami Malek looks smart enough to help me with my computer problems, which I like.

Best Actress is Viola Davis, who should win every award possible. This country needs her. This world needs her. I need her.

Best Actor and Actress in a TV Series – Comedy

How to choose? Do we go with Rob Lowe, whose appearance defies all theories of natural aging, or Aziz Ansari, who has the boyish charm of a brown Justin Timberlake? It doesn’t matter; Jeffrey Tambor will probably win.

Best Actress: Gina Rodriguez. She is a goddess among us. End of discussion. Goodnight.