Record of the Year

Has there ever been a more fun song than “Uptown Funk?” The answer is heck no. Everyone loves this song: moms, children, old people, those people who hang out in front of grocery stores and Oprah, probably.

Album of the Year

This award has meant nothing ever since Beyonce lost for her self-titled album in 2015. Wounds may heal, but they always leave a scar.

Song of the Year

I’m going to choose “Blank Space” because I am white. Taylor Swift is my destiny. White people love Taylor Swift.

Best New Artist

Although he’s not nominated, I think Justin Bieber should win. He’s had a tough year and this award would make him feel better.

Best Rock Performance

My heart is telling me sedimentary should win, but igneous has really been making a comeback this year. Guys, I really don’t know rock music.

Best Pop Solo Performance

Let’s not pretend like Taylor Swift is the best singer. Kelly Clarkson won American Idol when it was still cool. Let her have this.

Best R&B Performance

Tamar Braxton should win on the basis of this song alone. She impromptu raps about labor pains while laying in a hospital bed before delivering her baby. Has there ever been anything more iconic? The answer is a solid maybe.

Best Country Solo Performance

“Best Country Solo Performance” is an oxymoron. That’s like being the coolest person who still quotes “Mean Girls.” I mean yeah, you’ve won, but what is that really saying?