Best Picture

By not nominating “Carol” for this category, the Oscars are essentially yelling “no homo.” Instead of nominating a movie about the complex relationship between two women, let’s nominate “Bridge of Spies,” a movie about communism, or “The Big Short,” which is maybe about the stock market. If anything can be more “bro-y,” please inform me. You can find me on AOL Instant Messenger or Google Chat.

Best Actor in a Leading Role

In “The Revenant,” Leonardo reversed-birthed a decapitated horse, meaning he gutted it and climbed inside of it like an infant in the womb. If that doesn’t scream “Oscar” I really don’t know what does.

Best Actress in a Leading Role

Brie Larson in “Room” took my heart and then shoved it where the sun doesn’t shine. I felt physically weak from my emotions. Also, Charlotte Rampling said the uproar over the lack of Oscar diversity is “racist to white people,” so I’m going to go ahead and choose anyone but her.

Actor In a Supporting Role

Tom Hardy made me lose myself in his character in “The Revenant,” meaning I still wanted to marry him even though he is racist and also a murderer. These traits are merely superficial; the love we share can overcome his densely innate horribleness.

Actress in a Supporting Role

Look at Rachel McAdams. She went from “Mean Girls” to “The Notebook” to the Academy Awards. I just feel so proud of her. Can we talk about her audition for the Notebook? That alone deserves an Oscar.

Animated Feature Film

“Inside Out” perfectly captures the mind of an 11-year-old girl, which I can relate to because I have the mind of an 11-year-old girl.

Best Director

This will be hard. How do I choose from these five men who are nominated in a category that, in all 88 years, only one woman has won? I choose Albie Sher.